DOGS VS. KIDS
Copyright© 1998

by Lexiann Grant
Email: lexiann@frognet.net
Copyright© 1998

The following article has been provided by the above author. All copy rights are held by the author and any reproduction of this material in whole or in part must have the authors approval.

The following article has been provided by the above author. All copy rights are held by the author and any reproduction of this material in whole or in part must have the authors approval.



When people ask me if I have children, I reply, "Yes, five, and they all have four legs." A look of bewilderment appears on the person's face until I explain that my "children" are dogs. At once their expression changes to one of tolerant concern for such an eccentric individual, unless they too have a pet.

Although my pets are members of my family, I don't exactly think of my dogs as children or kid substitutes. Living with pets is different from, but also similar to raising children in many ways.


How four-legged kids can be better than the two-legged variety:
Dogs don't mind eating out of dirty dishes, and, will drink out of puddles while hiking;
Obedience school costs much less than college and your dog won't call home asking for you to send him money;
Dogs can be left in a crate* and without a babysitter, but if you try this with a child you'll be the top story on the six o'clock news;
Dogs potty in the yard not in their pants;
Dogs are happy to be walked around the block instead of having to travel to DisneyWorld in order to have quality play-time;
Dogs don't have to be bathed daily;
You don't have to read your pet a bed-time story;
Dogs don't think you're an idiot when you ask a stupid question;
You can walk a dog around town with a chainlink* collar encircling his neck for control without getting arrested;
You don't have to buy clothing for dogs, although you can if you want to and your dog permits himself to be dressed up;
Dogs aren't embarrassed to be seen in public with you, even if you're wearing a silly hat;
Once you teach dogs good manners they never forget them. How dogs and children are similar:
Puppies and babies eat special formula, higher-priced foods several times a day and they require frequent immunizations;
Kids and dogs like to get dirty and don't understand why we're upset when they track mud into the house;
Hunting dogs as well as tomboys will bring you a still partially-living "catch of the day," placing it proudly in your bed;
Dogs and youngsters are not permitted in certain public places such as bars (which don't sell dog biscuits and are therefore not on the hot spots for pets to visit list anyway);
Dogs and kids eat disgusting, sometimes inedible things, and they raise a ruckus at mealtime;
You have to scoop the poop and change baby diapers to prevent stinky odors;
Some kids and most dogs are not tall enough to ride roller coasters at amusement parks;
Slobbering dogs and rebellious children usually have bad breath because you can't force them to brush their teeth regularly;
If they play outside too long, kids and dogs can become infested with small, nasty parasites;
Dogs and kids will try to takeover and run your household during their adolescence;
Adult children and registered therapy dogs will visit you when you're in the hospital;
Toddlers and dogs need naps to keep from being grumpy;
Puppies and kids require constant supervision to keep them out of trouble;
Both have selective hearing, responding to the words, "come here" only when they want to do so.
Although I can't speak from extensive personal experience I imagine in some ways kids might be better roommates than dogs because:
You don't have to let children in and out of the house all day since they can open the door for themselves, but may forget to close it (hint: try an extra large pet door for kids too);
Most human children don't shed, however youthful boys may require periodic defuzzing;
Kids won't drink out of an open toilet bowl;
Children can tell you where it hurts and they won't eat their own vomit if they get sick;
You can claim tax deductions for children but the IRS frowns on registering Bowser for a Social Security number;
You don't have to license children to live in the county legally;
Kids can be bribed to help you clean the house.


Despite the fact that my dogs leave their toys strewn across the living room floor and their fur is woven (unintentionally) into the fabric of my sofa, I wouldn't trade them in for another living companion, not even requires-only-occasional-dusting type stuffed animals. That's because there are characteristics about my dogs -- our pets -- that make them incomparable to human critters of any size:

They listen respectfully when we talk to them (yes, I do converse with my dogs and I'm not ashamed to admit it);
We can hold and cuddle them anytime of the day or night;
They are always there for us whenever we need or want them near; and,
They love us at any age.

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(*Note: Crates are for short-term confinement to keep a dog safe when owners are not home and should never be used for punishment; Chain type collars are for experienced trainers and must never be left on an unsupervised dog due to danger of choking; Crates and chain collars are training aids only, best handled by individuals who are knowledgeable about their use. If you have questions about collars or crates, be sure to call your veterinarian, trainer or breeder before using.)